I remember kayaking with my son when he was younger. We were in a double kayak, moving happily across the water together, and there was that satisfying feeling that comes when you find a shared rhythm, with each person contributing enough to keep things moving smoothly while neither is having to compensate for the other nor changing their stroke uncomfortably to fit with another's pace and strength.
As the day went on, he became tired and I found myself doing more of the paddling and more of the steering. At one point he spotted another kayak and became determined to catch up with it, despite the fact that we were already some distance from the shore and hadn't really considered what that extra effort might mean. Meanwhile, one friend paddled off ahead without checking whether the rest of us could maintain the pace, while another came alongside us, asking how we were doing.
When she checked in, I said we needed to slow things down for a while, find a more even pace, and get back our rhythm and balance before pushing on again.
I have thought about that day a few times since, because it reminds me of something I often see in therapy and in everyday life. We are not simply navigating the practical realities of our relationships; we are also navigating different emotional states, different needs and different ways of responding to one another. Sometimes we move together with surprising ease, while at other times we find ourselves pulled off course, reacting rather than responding, and wondering how a conversation that began is now difficult.
One framework that helps make sense of this is Transactional Analysis (TA), developed by Eric Berne. TA suggests that we all move between three primary ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. These are not descriptions of age but of ways of thinking, feeling and relating.
The Parent ego state contains the messages, rules, beliefs and responses we have absorbed from significant adults from our lives especially childhood. Sometimes this shows up as care, guidance and encouragement, and sometimes it appears as criticism, judgement or control.
The Child ego state contains our emotional responses, creativity, spontaneity, fears and adaptations. It can be playful, excited and curious, or defensive, rebellious, withdrawn or overwhelmed.
The Adult ego state is different. Adult pays attention to what is happening now. It gathers information, assesses reality, considers options and responds rather than reacts. Adult is not cold, emotionless or detached. Rather, it creates enough space around our emotions that we can choose what to do with them.
When I think about that kayaking trip through a TA lens, I can see all three ego states at work.
My son's determination to chase the other kayak carried some of the energy of Child. There was excitement, enthusiasm and a desire to follow what looked interesting, while there was less awareness of distance, energy levels or the wider context. None of that was wrong. In fact, without Child we might never have adventures at all. However, Child often benefits from Adult's ability to ask practical questions before setting off at full speed.
When he became tired and I started doing more of the paddling and steering, I found myself stepping into a more parental role. Again, there was nothing inherently problematic about that. Sometimes relationships require us to support, guide or carry more of the load. Difficulties tend to arise when we stop noticing that the balance has shifted and continue compensating long after it is sustainable.
The friend who paddled off ahead without checking on the rest of us may have been entirely focused on enjoying the journey and finding their own pace. Yet their behaviour created pressure for everyone else. Many of us know this experience in relationships, families and workplaces. Someone else's urgency, frustration, anxiety or enthusiasm can create a pull, and before we realise it we are no longer responding from Adult but from a triggered Parent or Child state.
The friend who checked in offered something different. She paused, became curious and gathered information. She did not rush to solve the problem, criticise anyone or pretend everything was fine. She simply asked how things were going. In TA terms, that is often what Adult looks like.
One of the reasons staying in Adult can be so difficult is that Parent and Child are often much quicker. A critical comment can instantly evoke a defensive Child response. Someone else's distress can pull us into rescuing. A perceived injustice can activate our inner critic. We can move from thoughtful reflection to emotional reaction in seconds, particularly when the situation touches old experiences or familiar vulnerabilities.
This is why Adult is not a place we arrive and stay. It is a place we return to.
In practice, returning to Adult often begins with noticing. We notice that our shoulders have tightened, that our voice has changed, that we are rehearsing arguments in our head, or that we suddenly feel compelled to rescue, defend, withdraw or attack. Rather than judging ourselves for leaving Adult, we simply recognise that we have been caught by something.
From there, a few simple questions can help.
What is actually happening here?
What assumptions am I making?
What information am I missing?
What do I need right now?
What might the other person be experiencing?
And what response is most likely to be helpful?
These questions do not eliminate emotion. Instead, they help create enough space for Adult to take hold of the paddle again.
Perhaps that is why the kayaking memory has stayed with me. The goal was never to keep the kayak perfectly straight, because like seas, rivers and lakes, life does not work that way. Currents shift, wind catches the bow, people become tired, excited or distracted, and occasionally someone heads off in a different direction altogether.
The skill was not avoiding every wobble or drift. The skill was noticing when we had lost our rhythm and then making the small adjustments needed to find it again.
Relationships are much the same. None of us stays in Adult all the time, and perhaps we are not meant to. We need the care of Parent and the vitality of Child. The challenge is recognising when those parts have taken over the steering and, with a little patience and self-awareness, finding our way back to Adult once more.
